


Sing This Corrosion to Me

by AngelNo13Bardiel



Series: Black Celebration [2]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Heart-to-Heart, Hurt/Comfort, Other, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 18:44:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17289395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelNo13Bardiel/pseuds/AngelNo13Bardiel
Summary: (sequel to Go Back to Sleep, Precious) When you've lost your purpose, how do you pick up the pieces? In the Second Child's case, it doesn't hurt to have a little help...even from someone just as damaged as she is.





	Sing This Corrosion to Me

**Author's Note:**

> _**DISCLAIMER:**_ I still don't own Evangelion or any of its characters, that's all still the property of…whoever owns it these days. Probably never will either, but I'm okay with that (too much legal hassle to potentially deal with). Original series timeline applies here, nothing Rebuild-centric. This one is the sequel to _**Go Back to Sleep, Precious**_ (and starts just a few hours after the end of that story), so go and read that first. This story is told from Asuka's perspective, so only "this"-is-speech is needed this time. I think that covers everything, let's get right into it!

_**-Sing This Corrosion to Me-** _

I open my eyes to complete darkness. It's better than what I left, at least. I feel a tear escape my eye as I remember the all-too-familiar nightmares I've been having lately. And there's always that same one within, always me moving down that same hallway to that door.

Mama…why didn't you take me with you? It would be better than what I have now…

I shift slightly on my futon, rolling over to my side. That's when I jump at seeing Shinji sitting next to my bed…and I remember what had happened the last time I was awake. I…I had nearly given myself to him out of despair, nearly killed myself…and tried to kill him. He's asleep, but his face is what scares me. More appropriately, it's what _I_ did to it. I can see the swelling from his probably-broken nose and a fairly large bruise under one of his eyes. _Mein Gott_ , did I really do that much to him?

I shake my head and try to think more like I normally do. He deserved it, he chose _then_ to do more than just nothing! I was so close to being free of all this pain and misery, maybe even take him with me…and he went and ruined that. That thought doesn't hold long, though: the old me is dead.

But it's what happened after that really terrified me. I may have attacked him, but he stood his ground for once. He…didn't run…he _held_ me. And I cried in his arms like a broken little girl. _Gott_ , I'm truly beyond help if I'm letting _him_ comfort me.

But what he said…the baka actually _cares_ about me? Not _ficken_ likely. He never even cared for _himself_ , how can he possibly…

He stirs and groans, pulling me from my thoughts. I sit up and pull my knees to my chin, trying to move away as far as I can. I can only get about a foot away, though. His head turns in my direction as soon as he can focus. "Asuka…" he says quietly.

"What are _you_ doing in here?" I ask, trying to sound threatening. It's not very effective with my voice cracking as much as it is. I hope he can't tell how much I want to cry right now.

He turns away from me for a second, sighing. "I…I wanted to make sure you weren't going to…try to hurt yourself again." He pauses, looking back at the floor. "I carried you back to your room after you fell asleep. Then I cleaned up the kitchen and bathroom…"

"And yourself?" I interrupt him. I clearly remember slashing at him with the knife.

He nods slowly. "I cleaned and redressed that with some gauze and bandages. It isn't really that bad of a cut, to be honest." My eyes move over to the arm, seeing the small red patch spreading under his efforts. I'm not entirely ready for what he says next. "Do…do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I say, pulling closer to myself, looking straight forward at nothing in particular. "Now leave. I don't need you. Or your pity."

He shakes his head, which surprises me. "Not anymore, Asuka." His tone is more even than usual, it's almost eerie. "I wont run away from you any more."

"Why?" I ask. "It's not like you've done anything for me before…" He winces a little, realizing that I'm right. All he's done before has been to just retreat into his own little world and leave me to my own.

"Because…" He stops to swallow, his expression hardening. "Because I _chose_ to. I've lost enough already. I don't want to lose anyone else close to me." He turns his head away. "Especially not you."

My eyes drag over to him. "And like I said, you've done such a great job of that previously," I repeat, the venom in my voice clear to both of us.

"I know…" he admits, sighing. "I know I've failed you before…among other people." His eyes raise to meet my own. "But…I won't let that happen again. I…promise."

"Don't go promising things you can't mean," I spit back.

"But I _do_ this time," he replies, his voice almost a whisper. "I'm done being the coward Shinji Ikari I've always been."

I shake my head at the words. "Good luck with that," I say. "You can't escape yourself…"

He doesn't respond immediately, only returning his gaze to the ground. We sit like this in absolute silence for longer than I'd like. I hate the silence, it only leaves me with nothing but my own thoughts. "Are you ready to talk about it now?" he asks again.

I open my mouth to snap a retort his direction, but then immediately take in his tone. It's soft and caring, genuinely wanting to understand my earlier actions. I fight against telling him for a moment…but he's already seen me at my lowest now. He's seen me _cry_ , something no one's done in ten years. I've already lost everything else, what use is there for dignity now?

"My…mother," I begin, my voice strained as I admit things I'd have rather not. "She was involved in the development of Unit-02. Something happened during an experiment, and she…" I fight back tears for a moment, but it's in vain: they escape anyway. I lean my head into my knees, hoping Shinji won't notice. "She wasn't the same after that. She ignored me, started treating this doll as if it _was_ me." The words spill out faster now, almost like I can't stop them any longer. "The day I was chosen to be a pilot, I ran to her room…" I pause, choking back a sob. "S-she was hanging from the ceiling. The doll was nearby, head and body separated." I hear him gasp a little, but I continue on. "She would tell the doll that she wanted me to die with her. I should have been there, I should have joined her then, I-"

"Stop it," Shinji cuts in, his voice firm but terribly sad. "Don't _ever_ tell me you want that."

"Why not? I…I don't have anything left, Shinji," I reply, lifting my head to look at him. I don't try to hide the tears this time. "Eva is all I had in my life an now that's gone…"

"And what about the people you'd leave behind?" he asks, clearly upset with my admission. "What about Misato? Or Hikari?" He hangs his head, no longer looking me in the eyes. "Or… _me_?"

"What do you all care anyway?" I shoot back, lowering my legs back down. "I never did anything but push everyone away in one way or another."

"Because we _do_!" he yells, surprising us both. "Just because you _don't_ want people to get close doesn't mean that they _won't_." I stare at him for a moment, wondering just where this sudden burst of emotion had come from. "I…didn't want anyone to get close to me, either," he says, much quieter this time. "I was afraid they'd leave me. It's always been that way before, why would it be any different here?" He raises his head again, looking at the far wall of my room. "But…it happened anyway. People got close. I began to really care about them, about what would happen if I lost them." He shook his head, closing his eyes at the same time. "You can do what you can to avoid it, but you can't help how other people get attached to you."

"Once you let someone in, your life isn't really your own," I say, thinking of a quote I'm familiar with. It's never really felt more true than this moment right now. I laugh bitterly, turning my head away from him. "Look at me, spilling out all these things to _you_ out of everyone. I'm truly useless now…"

"Please stop saying that, Asuka," he pleads. "You're not useless…"

" _Yes I am_ ," I insist, my voice rising in volume. "I can't pilot anymore, and it's everything I had of worth-"

"You are _not_ worthless, Asuka," he cuts in, almost angry this time. "You're more important than you think!"

"Oh really?" I question, facing him again. "And I suppose _you'd_ know how important I am, then?"

"I know how much you are to _me_ ," he argues back, getting to his feet.

"And just why _do_ you care so damn much, Shinji?" I fire back, not understanding why this was getting under his skin so much.

"Because I lov-" he starts to yell, then goes immediately silent as he catches himself. But I understood what he meant. "Because I just _do_ ," he says quietly, his gaze slightly down and to the side.

I sit in silence at his near-admission. Does…does he _really_ think he feels like that about me? "Bullshit," I say. "You don't even _like_ yourself, how can you claim to care about _me_?"

"Because I don't want to lose you," he says, no longer looking at me. "I don't want to lose anyone else, but you…" He pauses, sitting down on the edge of my bed and finally meeting my gaze again. "You're _different_. It…hurts to even think about."

I move around to the spot next to him and look away. "Y-you really shouldn't say things you don't mean."

"But I _do_ ," he says, only looking partially at me. "I especially hate what happened to you during the last battle. I hate myself so much for not doing… _something_. Anything." He looks back up at me, then down at the futon. "I also hated watching you after that. You haven't been… _you_ since then."

"That me is gone, Shinji," I reply, keeping my eyes on him. "She died that day after the battle."

"I don't want her to be," he says. I look at him confused, and he explains. "No matter how you treated me, I envied your drive…your confidence…your determination." He smiles at me slightly. "I just want you to be that person again." He lets out a heavy breath. "Even if you _do_ hate me."

"…I _did_ say that, didn't I?" I ask, remembering what I'd said after the last battle. I sigh before speaking again. "You know…that wasn't _entirely_ truthful." It's his turn to look confused, so I go on. "I…I never _really_ hated you, you know. I just hated _how_ you did things."

"Or _didn't_ , in some cases," he corrects me, and I nod. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't do that," I snap at him. "No apologies this time. We've both messed up plenty of things." I take a deep breath, readying my words. I look down at the sheet, not wanting to face him for this next part. "And I'm…s-sorry for coming onto you earlier." My face heats up from the confession, but I continue. "I just wanted to feel… _something_. And _why_ I offered to take both of our lives after. But you refused me and I thought-"

"But that wasn't… _you_ ," he interrupts me, which causes me to face him again. "That's why I fought you off." He reaches out and places a hand over mine. "But I-…I would _never_ refuse you, Asuka."

Something in his tone, his words…it's more than I can take right now. I feel tears begin steaming down my face again, but I don't try and hold them back. I look down and begin sobbing right in front of him. "Y-you baka…" I choke out. Finally, I reach out and bury myself into his shirt, openly crying at this point. He hesitates for a moment before putting his shaky arms around me. I have to smile a little at his nervousness. He'd seen the absolute worst of me already tonight, but even this still frightens him a bit.

"Shh…it's alright," he says, rubbing my back softly. "Just let it out…" I hear him choke back a sob of his own. Crying over me while I do the same against him…what a mess we must look right now. "Y-you don't have to c-cry alone, at l-least."

We stay like this for several minutes, just softly crying onto each other and listening to our heartbeats. If anyone were to have told me that this would've happened one day, I would have hit them square in the jaw. Now, though…it just felt _right_. I may be at rock bottom…but at least I'm not there alone. And maybe that's enough for now. I've seen a completely new side to Shinji this night, one that I've always hoped was within him. It's too bad this couldn't have happened before, but…well, there's no use crying over "what-if", is there?

"Shinji…" I finally say after a long time.

"Y-yeah?" he says, his own voice choked and weak.

"Don't…d-don't you leave me," I whisper, almost unable to form the words.

"I w-won't," he replies after a pause. "N-not anymore." He kisses the top of my head, which makes me gasp slightly. "Just…just don't ever d-do anything like t-that again…"

I can't find the words to answer him, I only continue to cry into his now-soaked shirt. I don't think either of us care, though. Just this moment is enough.

I don't know what will happen after this. I can't go back to the way I was, not after tonight…but I don't know how to be anyone else _but_ that person. But maybe, just maybe…I _can_ pick myself up again. Try another synch test. Make the effort to become the best again. I _have_ to, especially after what Shinji said.

And I have to try again, not just for me…but for _him_ , too. I was right in my thinking of that saying earlier: you life _isn't_ your own when someone else is in your heart. And he had already been in mine before all of this. After what he told me, though…I can't ignore that feeling any longer.

But I can't tell him, not just yet. I need to think that over for a while longer. I have make myself be the person he fell for, the person I used to be…although maybe _this_ time, a better version of her.

My shaking and sobs finally calm enough to stop, but I still hold tight onto him, fully in his embrace. Shinji…you idiot…you complete, utter _fool_ …I care for you, too. More than you know.

_**-End-** _

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on FFN on 26 January 2017.
> 
> Pre-read and then some was done by Ash. Thanks again, honey.
> 
> As usual: all comments will be appreciated, good or bad. But I do favor honest/helpful criticism, so send it my way! And review! Even if it’s not positive, review!
> 
> See you next time,  
>  _ **-Bardi (and Ash)-**_


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